by Erik Dolson
Tweeter owner Vladomir Must will reaffirm his company’s commitment to transparency on February 17, 2023, the Titan of a Dozen Industries said on Christmas Eve, 2022.
Washington Post reporter Becky Veritas asked Must why he chose that date.
“Because it’s my Twitter, and February 17 is the birthday of one of my spawn. By the way, I’m suspending your account.”
“Why?!” Veritas cried out. “I didn’t do anything!”
“You asked a question that probed for personal information,” Must said.
“You volunteered that information, I didn’t know the answer would be personal!”
“There is very little difference between eliciting personal information and digging it out of public records. Suspended.”
“But…”
“You dox, you get suspended, end of story. Next question!”
“President Must, this is Paul Giltwhite of NPR. Do you…”
“CEO. I’m not president. Twitter doesn’t have a president. And I’m CFO since the last round of lay-offs. And CTO. And CAHo…
“Mr. Must, do you feel …”
“Careful.”
“Of what?!”
“Asking a question that will elicit personal feelings.”
“I just wanted to ask if you felt that Twitter had a better future under your leadersip!”
“Of course, Suspended.”
“What?!?! I wasn’t asking what you actually felt. I was stating what I wanted to ask.”
“Which was a way to crawl around the fence of Tweeter semi-official unannounced policy. Your question was a sneaky attempt to ascertain my personal feelings about my personal role in MY personal company. What you asked was a threat to my family.”
“Mr. Must, Mucker Carlton of Pox News. That’s crazy, and I’m a slavish fan. How was that a threat to your family?”
“It’s was a threat to my serenity, I’m a member of my family, therefore it was a threat to my family. Jeez, didn’t you reporters take hard courses in college? “Might Makes Right 101?” I’m a dropout and I learned that. Oh, and you’re suspended.”
“What?!”
“Suspended. End of story.”
“Mr. Must, Jonathan Oleo of the New York Times. Is it true the FBI, NSA and CIA all had offices within your company for the last 7 years?”
“Categorically not. And you’re sus…”
“Google Maps indicates local offices of those agencies have the same address as Tweeter.”
“I’ll explain this slowly, Jonathan, so perhaps you’ll understand: Tweeter has not paid rent on our offices for six months. Tweeter is in default of our leases. All of them. As a real company selling empty boxes of misinformation wrapped in air paid for by former advertisers, Tweeter officially does not have an address. Therefore …?”
“Therefore Tweeter can’t share an address with government agencies. That’s absurd.”
“Good job, Jonathan. Suspended.”
“You can’t just suspend somebody for expressing an opinion.”
“Jonathan, your newspaper does it all the time. The New York Times fires people for political incorrectness, I fire people for professional directness. Same. Suspended. End of story.”
“But Tweeter isn’t the news!” cried Sally Smuthers of Entertainment Weekly.
“Then why are you all here?” Must smirked as he walked off the stage.
Nice parody. I suspect many will discover it unwise to attack Mr Musk. Free speech is OK otherwise. Pity other platforms don't have the reach as an alternative. I hope we can get past the nonsense. Settle down people.