By Erik Dolson
Caving in to demands by Donald J. Trump, Democrats in the House of Representatives have agreed to release six years of Mr. Trump’s tax records.
“Former President Trump has made his wishes clear and we in the House stand ready to honor them,” said Rep. Liz Cheney, one of two Republicans on a different committee reviewing something else.
“This will give the president, as he requested, an opportunity to finally prove, once and for all, that he is a businessman of the highest integrity and a character, who created incredible profit by providing degrees to the overcharged from Trump University, relief from hunger to the disadvantaged with Trump Steaks, and protection from self doubt with Trump Vodka,” Cheney said.
Donald Trump was contacted for this story at his home at Mar-a-Lago, where he was interrupting a wedding by shouting “You bet I do!” when the groom was asked if he took the bride, Miranda, to be his lawful wedded wife.
“I’m a better president than Lincoln! Better than even Washington! She’ll be lucky to have me!” Trump shouted to approving murmurs from the well-plasticized and jewell-encrusted wedding party.
“And furthermore, buy Trump NFTs. They illustrate my illustrious career as an astronaut! As a cowboy! As a superhero! Only $99! Get yours today! Buy them as grifts! I mean gifts!”
Back in Washington, House Republican leader Kevin McCarthy was asked about work done by the committee investigating Trump’s role in the January 6th insurrection.
“It’s a bogus committee because they rebuffed my efforts to plant troublemakers on board. But the fact that Mr. Trump risked it all to defend Vice-President Pence and even the opposition leader, Nancy Pelosi, on that difficult day for our country, speaks volumes about his integrity and character,” McCarthy said.
McCarthy denied he was on the short list of candidates to be Trump’s Vice-President in 2024. “Of course, I will serve if asked,” he said. “It would be my honor to protect the Constitution.”
In other Trump News, a judge in California has appointed a special prosecutor to look into allegations that Democrats are behind a fundraising scam funneling millions of dollars from elderly donors to Donald J. Trump.
Questions revolve around pre-checked boxes on fundraising literature that claims to be sent by Republicans for America Winning (RAW). Using personal data gathered by Facebook, only elderly who wear glasses and have memory issues were targeted by the campaign which asked them to send in $10 to “Help President Trump raise Republicans from the dead!”
A tiny box buried in the fold of the printed form, and displayed online in a light grey font on a slightly darker gray background, noted the $10 is actually a monthly contribution.
By the time elderly victims notice this charge on bank statements, which do not identify the recipient of the payment in any meaningful way and thereby cause the memory-impaired to be confused and embarrassed, some have paid thousands of dollars.
Calling the toll-free number for RAW results in a recording that someone will call back within 144 hours.
“It’s underhanded but completely brilliant, and I respect that,” said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell.
Donald J. Trump denied that receiving $184 million from the effort was incorrect, let alone illegal.
“If people want to give me money, who am I to say ‘no?’ ” Trump replied.
“Even if they didn’t know it was an ongoing donation?” asked Muffy Jepesen of NBC News.
“Why is that my problem? I don’t get it,” Trump replied.
Former Trump id Stephen Abandon pointed the finger at Democrats.
“This was a plot by Democrats to dry up Republican support,” Abandon said. “By directing money to Trump, a three-time loser, there might be no funding left for Republican Senate and House races. It’s underhanded but completely brilliant, and I do respect that,” Abandon said.
Republican Presidentially for President Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was reached in Mexico where he owns a house on the beach (“Not mine. It’s my wife’s”) where he stays with his family when not in Washington, accused the Democrats of violating Democracy.
“We saw the results of their tactics the last election, which we should have won and possibly did win except for barely legal tactics by our opponents that we did not think of first.
“What did Josh Hawley say?” Cruz added.
Donald Trump was asked if he was willing to help out Republicans in the next election, possibly sharing some of the donations mistakenly sent to him by aged voters.
“Ya know, I’ll help them if they help me. We’re all family, right? A little quid pro quo goes a long ways here.”