By Erik Dolson
Russia announced the annexation of France on Monday, along with Italy, Poland, Austria and Sweden.
“We did not feel it necessary to annex Finland or the Baltics, since they were never not part of Russia,” said Kremlin spokesperson, Dimitri Hordenov.
Hordenov added the annexation followed votes in the annexed territories that showed occupants favored becoming part of Russia by votes of 97%, 98%, 93%, and 99%. When asked if the votes weren’t a sham, Hordenov said reporters asking questions would be conscripted into the Russian Army, regardless of citizenship.
“But if the votes fell in a forest, would they make a sound …referendum that leads inexorably to annexation… if the world at large was not listening…and no one previously knew?” asked a reporter from NPR.
Hordenov smirked as he said “just because news of the vote was suppressed in the decadent west does not mean patriots in these areas of Russia can’t be heard.”
The French government was, of course, the first to protest. President Macaroon said there had been no vote, and “Russia should roll back its claims immediately.”
But Hordenov dismissed the complaint.
“His protest is invalid, since Paris is now within the Peoples Republic of Russo-Franco.”
Italy’s new government had no comment on becoming part of Russia. “Russia is a klepto-fascist state for which Italians have an affinity. We have transferred two Ferraris to the leader of Russia. We can work with this,” declared Prime Minister in waiting, Silvio Buscati.
King Charles of England doubted polar bears would accept a “questionable” annexation, said he would investigate and promulgate after English commoners stopped screwing themselves with Brexit, and asked former Prince Harry to divorce that “dark-skinned American girl.”
Germany and Austria were unable to communicate due to reliance on Russian infrastructure after much of what was formerly their own was transferred to Russia via the Nordstream Megahighway, recently completed.
Tucker Carlson, appearing at a rally of Magalites in southwestern Florida at a school where two dozen children were shot after they drowned in Hurricane Ian, said he thought the annexation would be good for Europe. “Finally, someone can reverse the decline that started there before infecting my America created by White decendants of proper European stock.” The crowd of dozens applauded.
A private citizen who was once a president noted on his own 4-chan feed that “This would never have happened if I was president. Want proof? It did NOT happen when I was president. So there.”
Russian Minister Hordenov warned western countries not to oppose the annexation, delivering what was viewed by some as a veiled threat.
“These areas of what used to be Europe are now part of Russia. We will defend Russian territory, old and new, with whatever means available to us, and those means are mean, if you know what I mean.”
Do I see a bit of jealousy that we were not provided our own mini-nukes? What can we do once we are annexed?